Deny and Defy ...

That's what I did.

Some of my readers may recall that about a year ago, I wrote a blog post that (I thought) cleverly revealed that I had symptoms and test results indicating the probability of diabetes. The post was also, as I recall, a human interest item and it talked about the various types, ages, and circumstances of other people whose little dramas were observable to me that day. The post was up there for a while and then I went back in and edited it, changing the tone of it to something that danced around the topic like it was a "maybe, somewhat, someday possibility". I toned down the post considerably :) and, most importantly, it didn't scare me to read it after I'd changed it.  Mind over matter !

Also, at the time I was convinced, and I think correctly so, that all the day-in and day-out back-breaking, emotional, and mind-bending work I'd been doing over a period of months to get this house ready to be lived in while also clearing out the former residence (about which I felt very sentimental) ... had run my health way down.   And so I figured that taking better care of myself (emphasis on vitamins, gym, meditation) would enable me to spring back to my former vital self. Well, those items did help for sure and maybe could have been enough.  But -- during the past year or so there were two huge, no ... super huge situations that affected and exacerbated my weakened self.  Both were family-related. Jerry's hip and lymph edema (leg and foot) got much more severe and he now has very limited mobility. The other situation is associated with a family member who is dealing with severe and costly health, substance, and emotional problems and, who has, a number of times, returned to and then stormed out of my life. These took a toll but taught me to truly look at the process of understanding the "suchness" (a Buddhist term) meaning the true nature of a situation, thing, or person ... so if we truly understand the suchness of a particular person, it is easier for us to hold onto our inner peace.  I realize that some doors just need to close.

But now, I want to try and get to the reason I've entitled this post Deny and Defy.  A year ago, I really didn't want to  have diabetes  and so to deny its existence made me feel more comfortable.  The concept  goes back to the way I always dodge what I'll call "victimship".  I don't like to admit it when I'm injured or hurt.  As a child, I was a bit smaller and usually younger than my cousins and the neighborhood kids, so I got bullied quite a bit.  I would never cry.  My mother was like this, too.  One of her sayings was "keep a stiff upper lip" (don't let them see you cry) while she did her best to protect me.  She came from a large family  with several older siblings, so she had developed her set of skills to deal with things. When eight years ago I got injured in the church shooting, I drove myself home in trauma and major pain rather than getting into an ambulance.  I didn't want to be a victim, especially of that hate-filled bully man. Three months later, I went for a CT scan and, although the pellets are clearly there (passed into and across my forehead and settled in scar tissue in my right sinus cavity), my situation was viewed with a great deal of skepticism by many people and I was left to recover on my own until the reality of divine help and healing dramatically and clearly came to my aid (and remains with me).  

Well, fast-forward to current times ... during recent sustained stress, my left hip stopped responding to chiropractic care and got very painful.  Also a factor during the past year, I ate more deserts than ever before in my life (defy); yes, I was definitely proving the diabetes wasn't there.  But I got really sick.  So last week I dragged myself to the doctor where my tests revealed fully-developed diabetes and a thyroid deficiency (and a vitamin D deficiency). So I'm now on meds and extra vitamin D...and feeling a lot better.  I've researched the possibility of self-stem cell injections in my hip, which could enable it to build new, denser bone tissue but may not need that if my current improvement continues. The diabetes med has dramatically helped my hip pain as well as my general well-being.  So my hip is happy!  I really like having happy body parts :)

It seems like there ought to be a moral to this hodgepodge story. It probably would be "don't try to be superwoman" or "superman" and "don't keep a stiff upper lip". If a red flag is there, don't deny and definitely don't defy. When you're hurting or scared, tell someone whom you trust. Another line I'll add here just for the sake of levity and because I think it's one of those wonderful old show-biz lines is "always leave them laughing" :)  Well, OK, maybe not laughing, but definitely smiling!  Let's smile and be grateful for life  :)